“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.” ― Jodi Picoult

I seem to have hit a wall, a wall that feels so high I would never be able to climb over it, so wide I cannot simply walk round it and so strong I have no chance of breaking through it. Rarely, if ever, have I been confronted with such a wall before. In my mind, the wall has large, bold letters written on it, they spell ‘homesick’.

I meet people sometimes, that are in awe of all that I have been through whilst I am still so young. They marvel at the fact that I upped my life to somewhere I had never even visited when I was only 18. They ask me whether it was a hard decision to make, whether I was torn between leaving and staying. I could say it was a heart wrenching decision that tore my heart in two to make, but it would be a lie. The truth is, staying never even crossed my mind. I was so ready for a new adventure, a new life somewhere completely different, which is why my current predicament puzzles me so very much.

I have never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, causing some family members to pronounce me cold. Of course, as a human I do have emotions and for someone who doesn’t show them as much as maybe I should, my emotions are extremely strong ones. When I am angry, I am simply livid. When I am sad, I am devastated. However the only emotion I felt upon leaving my hometown, in which I had lived for 18 years, was hope.

Such a stark contrast to what I felt when leaving Idil, my heart was heavy and full of doubt. I remember hugging my best friend goodbye before getting into the car, I struggled to speak as my throat was thick with sobs begging to escape, we both nodded in understanding and I stepped into the car. Keeping my eyes trained on the road infront of us, not feeling strong enough to look at the sad faces waving us off. Even now just writing about this brings tears to my eyes and for those who know me, will know that that is no mean feat.

For the last few months I have avoided speaking to anyone from İdil on the phone. I have exchanged messages and kept in touch, I felt that perhaps talking to them on the phone would make this homesickness I was feeling grow to an unmanageable size. I feel as though I have a wall infront of me and with time I begin to climb the wall but everytime something triggers a memory, I lose my grip and slip, ending up right at the bottom.

I have mentioned before about my relationship with my inlaws, for the most part they are some of the strongest, most amazing people I have ever met. Particularly my father in law and my husband’s eldest sister. They accepted me and welcomed me into the family with open arms from the first time we met and since then they have never let me down. They became a constant source of comfort and support for me when I had no other family or friends around me. I haven’t spoken to either since we moved, I felt I needed the distance and time to adjust to our new lives before speaking to those we left behind.

I spoke to my sister in law on the phone yesterday, just to hear her voice so full of warmth was a comfort to me. I worried that my husband’s family may resent our choices to move so far away, but deep down I knew that most of them would never be anything for happy for us if we were happy ourselves. As I spoke to her, happy memories flashed before my eyes, I remembered sitting in her garden so many times and being so at peace just looking out on the beautiful scenery İdil had to offer. I cannot wait for the day when I can look on these memories with feelings of happiness, rather than feelings of loss and regret.

I do not know how I can beat this wall, I can go for days looking forward to the future, not dwelling at all on the past. Then I will see a photograph taken in our old house, receive a message from a friend or hear a song that I can remember dancing to at a wedding and I am transported back to İdil and the feeling of homesickness settles once again in my stomach. I suppose as with everything, it will take time and patience. With time the memories will become less vivid and the triggers less frequent.