As humans, we are naturally flawed. It’s in our make up, in our DNA, there is no human on this earth that has never made a mistake, there is no perfect human. For me, perhaps the biggest flaw is that we don’t realise what we’ve got until it’s gone. I consciously make an effort to try and enjoy what I have when I have it but I still complain, I wish it away and only when it is gone do I realise what a mistake it was to try and hurry that time along. When all I should’ve been doing is basking in it.
My time in İdil seems such a big part of my life at the moment, a big influence on me and my choices. My personality and who I am. In reality, I was in İdil for three years, soon enough it will seem like a distant dream. It is with regret that I realise that my time in İdil makes up such a short amount of my life, I lived in my hometown for 18 years before I moved and whilst I feel a strong connection to my roots, it doesn’t quite equal the way I feel about İdil. Perhaps it’s because that was the first time I had true independence, my own house and space. It was all such a big adventure, being thrust into this larger than life family, a new culture and language.
The first few weeks in İdil were hard, it was so different from the Turkey I had known and loved. I remembered sunny days in Bodrum, swimming at the beach and enjoying ice cold Fanta Lemon. Having breakfast on the balcony in Didim looking out to sea. Everything in İdil seemed so bleak, no sea for hundreds of miles, there were none of the big supermarkets I had come to know and love, none of the big clothing brands. It was like being in a completely different country. I was yet to appreciate the beauty of the mountains that provided the backdrop for our little town, I didn’t know how stunning the fields behind our house would become when the grass grew and the poppies bloomed. Just thinking about how I wished that time away now, fills me with an overwhelming sadness. I wish I could look over to those mountains and immediately feel calm as I had done so many times before. Now all I see when I look out of the window is houses and the supermarkets that I coveted for so long.
I would do almost anything to have my life in İdil back, I miss everything about the town, I miss going to the market and seeing endless stalls of fruit and veg. I miss the easy cameraderie with my best friend. I miss the large gatherings we would have for no particular reason. I miss a life that I was all too ready to say goodbye to, a life that I was anxious to leave behind.
When in İdil I craved independence, I desperately wanted a job and time I could spend being myself rather than at the children’s every beck and call. I got my wish, I now work part time in a factory, the only job that was available to a foreigner with no knowledge of the local language. Now I miss the days where I could spend all day in the sun with friends and family, days that were so laidback and relaxed and the best plans were made last minute. So far from the structure which frames my life nowadays.
This is turning out to be quite a melancholy piece of writing, but it is writing from the heart. It is telling of the regret that I feel every time I remember how very nearly perfect my life was. I find comfort in the fact that I couldn’t have prevented the circumstances which prompted our move here, I know now that we were right to do so after seeing the extent of the devastation in İdil. But unfortunately that doesn’t lift the feelings of pure remorse that I wished my time away.
As I said in the beginning, as humans we make mistakes, it can only be hoped that we learn from them and refrain from making the same mistakes twice. I found myself getting anxious to leave Germany, fed up of being a foreigner, I wanted to be back in England with my family and friends. I had a sort of epiphany earlier this week, I sat in the park watching the children play in the sunshine whilst eating a pretzel and made a conscious decision to stop wishing my time away. I need to learn to take everyday as it comes and enjoy the small things in life. Although I still yearn for the comforts of my hometown, I do not wish to carry yet more feelings of regret with me if I ever do return to England, I don’t want to regret wishing my time in Germany away. So for now I need to be content, and remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side.
Me, myself and İdil 